10. Must win Madonna's "Ultimate Sex Championship" on pay-per-view
9. Has to baby-sit the kid when NBA teams are in town
8. Must provide child with what Madonna never could: a last name
7. The calm demeanor of Sean Penn and the faithfulness of Warren Beatty
6. Able to type 120 words a minute while "doing it"
5. No prior history of stalking her
4. Must get along with the baby's thousand or so "uncles"
3. Willing to be present in delivery room for taping of HBO special,"Madonna
Delivers!"
2. Must be able to say "like a virgin" without snickering
1. A pulse