My Retirement Plans
10. Get on city bus. Ride to end of line. Change buses. Repeat
9. Bide my time 'til I'm 90; then marry Anna Nicole Smith
8. Lead the New York Jets to a string of last-place finishes
7. Go around helping Ed McMahon deliver those giant checks
6. Take my old Spiderman suit out of mothballs; do my damndest to catch
the real killers!
5. Stop getting speeding tickets in Connecticut; start getting speeding
tickets in Florida
4. Write scathing expose of that ruthless bastard Paul Shaffer
3. Drive cross-country with Richard Simmons
2. Break into house of the woman who breaks into my house
1. Caddy for the Juice
Trick-or-Treater Pet Peeves
10. Guys who forgot to buy candy and just offer you a bite of their
sandwich
9. Black jelly beans that turn out to be blood-swollen horse ticks
8. The candy bar doesn't taste quite right - then you notice it's a
TWO Musketeers
7. When Bill Clinton rifles through your bag muttering about a "candy
tax"
6. You stop at Mia Farrow's house, next thing you know you're adopted
5. When Ed Asner answers the door without his shirt on
4. With all these people in disguises, it makes it even harder to find
the real killers! (O.J. only)
3. Going to Divine Brown's house and getting a treat, but no trick
2. Getting knocked flat by a pumpkin launched from 230 feet away
1. People who want receipts
Gerard Finneran Excuses (dude who
pissed on food cart in airplane)
10. Misread brochure about advantages of first class
9. Confused when steward asked for headset deposit
8. Went nuts after learning they were out of chicken almondine
7. Though he heard somebody yell, "We're going to crash!" and that
was just something he always wanted to do before he died
6. Hoping to impress aloof blonde English woman in 2-D
5. Had already used airphone to call everyone he knew
4. You try drinking for 14 hours and see if you can tell the difference
between a food cart and a bathroom
3. All part of an elaborate plan to intimidate the real killers
2. His ass wouldn't fit in the overhead compartment
1. "Oh, like you've never done it"
Agreements Reached By Yeltsin and Clinton
10. Russia will resume making payments on Girl Scout Cookies ordered
from Chelsea
9. Agree to disagree on who's puffier
8. Whopper with cheese costs more than plain Whopper, but worth it
7. U.N. troops will be sent to stabilize CBS
6. They'll still talk on the phone after they're not re-elected
5. Vodka. French Fries. The potato is God's finest creation
4. Two countries will share advances in gravy technology
3. Beer before liquor -- get drunk quicker
2. That blond diplomatic attache from Sweden: Yowzah!
1. Deep frying is a good thing
Signs You're Not Going to Win a Nobel Prize
10. You think the capital of Sweden is Sweden City
9. You built an artificial heart, but it's the size of a bread truck
8. Closest you've ever come to doing a scientific experiment -- putting
a sleeping friend's hand in warm water
7. Despite all your brilliant ideas, the nurses won't let you have
anything sharp to write them down
6. You're the CBS executive who picked the new fall lineup
5. For the past 10 years, your left thumb has been stuck in a test
tube
4. Title of your doctoral dissertation: "Yee-ouch! Them Pins is Pointy!"
3. Your theory of relativity is E=MC Hammer
2. You're known around the University as "Professor Gump"
1. Your first name is Boutros Boutros -- but your last name ain't Ghali
Things The Pope Likes About New York
10. Cab rides great chance to practice his language skills
9. Strangely fascinating to see so many commandments being broken at
once
8. Bootleg tapes of "Sister Act 2"
7. Area football teams provide plenty of opportunity to pray
6. Helps you envision the concept of "hell"
5. That nice Catholic talk show host Conan
4. Chance to visit old teachers at Wilfred Academy of Beauty
3. A genuine Rolex for ten bucks? It's a miracle!
2. Giants Stadium nachos are sinfully delicious
1. Four words: "Cats" -- now and forever
Ways Judge Ito Will Unwind
10. Going to 7-11's, threatening to turn off the surveillance cameras
9. Becoming the first American to watch "Central Park West"
8. Going to strip clubs getting lapdanced until he "reaches a verdict,"
if you know what I mean
7. Getting that long-promised backrub from juror number 8
6. Wandering through other courtrooms randomly dismissing jurors
5. Release a workout video: "How to lose weight while sitting on your
ass"
4. Hit the beach with a beard-ful of sun-in
3. Nintendo with the Menendez brothers
2. Finishing up his book, "How to satisfy a woman attorney every time"
1. Getting wasted with the Culkin kids
Signs You're Going Through O.J. Simpson Trial
Withdrawal
10. When your husband asks you to pass the ketchup, you start screaming
"Objection!"
9. During a week-long vacation in Bermuda, you never take off the knit
cap
8. You pay thousands of dollars to have your cat's DNA tested
7. After ordering a Big Mac, you present a ten-hour closing argument
6. You won't get into bed unless your wife puts on the fake Ito beard
5. You start watching C-SPAN -- just to hear people lying again
4. Whenever you see a Japanese guy on the street, you go up to him
and request a sidebar
3. You drop sixty bucks to watch Kato Kaelin take a pay-per-view nap
2. You go to the supermarket, sit down in front of a carton of O.J.,
and stare
1. You're having conjugal visits with yourself
Other O.J. Defense Rhymes
10. Please, please let O.J. go -- he just bought a place in Mexico
9. Even if you think he did all this stuff, wasn't playing for the
Bills punishment enough?
8. O.J.'s too full of love to have dropped a bloody glove
7. DNA? Give me a break -- it's too small to see, for heaven's sake
6. The Bronco's idling right outside, so acquit the man and let him
ride!
5. Make the right decision and stand tall, and you'll all go home with
an autographed football
4. If you must find O.J. guilty of a crime, try watching "Naked Gun
2" sometime!
3. The real killer's a lady, by the name of Mrs. Brady! (Flo Henderson
bolts)
2. If the mood is right and I feel a spark, I wouldn't mind nailing
Marcia Clark
1. Evidence, shmevidence
Rejected 'Jeopardy' Categories
10. Things Cher Has Had Done To Her
9. All About Chafing
8. Exciting Shows On At The Same Time As "Jeopardy"
7. Things That Smell Like Eggs
6. Itos, Titos And Fritos
5. Canadian Sex Secrets
4. Things That Throb
3. Diseases Caused By Game Shows
2. Guys I, Alex Trebek, Have Beat The Crap Out Of
1. Gap-toothed Freaks
Good Things About Being A Fourth-Place Network
10. People can't say your show sucks, because they haven't seen it
9. Can address all your viewers by name
8. Once "TV Guide" decides to stop listing your shows, the magazine
is lighter and easier to carry
7. Heartwarming feeling when canned goods arrive from local grade schools
6. Get to use inspiring chant: "We're #4!" (Cheerleaders enter)
5. Fourth ain't so bad -- I mean, imagine you're the fourth handsomest
guy in the world -- you'd be pretty damn handsome!
4. Don't get that paranoid feeling that people are watching you
3. New slogan: "If networks were Beatles, we'd be Ringo!"
2. Andy Rooney gets a lot of sympathy sex
1. You have reached maximum sucking potential
Things That Will Get You Kicked Out Of The
Miss America Pageant
10. Plant bloody tiara in other contestant's dressing room
9. Get caught in bed with Frank Gifford
8. Accidentally leave the price tag on your breasts
7. During the talent competition, constantly yell "Gong her!"
6. Wear sash that says "Bite Me"
5. When asked your hobby, reply "Rich elderly men"
4. Your talent? Eating a peach (VT peach-eating woman)
3. Shout to the judges, "Don't forget last night at the Marriott!"
2. List your favorite book as the Packwood Diaries
1. Stop smiling for a couple of seconds
Gamil Emsak's Pet Peeves - By Gamil, NYC Cabbie
10. Passengers who throw up in back seat
9. My brakes don't work for crap
8. Idiots who slow down for red lights
7. When New York smells like eggs
6. City won't allow a Donut-a-pult in my cab
5. Customers who don't speak English
4. Crybabies that sue when you run them over
3. Drivers from New Jersey
2. Talk show dorks who leave the scene of the accident
1. People who pronounce my name "Oatmeal"
Excuses
For Us Not Winning An Emmy
10. L.A.P.D. crime lab mixed up the ballots
9. CBS bribe check bounced
8. We actually won, but the band failed the drug test
7. Judges didn't want to hear another one of my speeches about the
plight of Tibet
6. Did away with our old category: shows that suck big-time
5. Only been giving 109%
4. Academy disapproves of my marriage to Anna Nicole Smith
3. In case of a tie, deciding vote cast by this woman (VT woman eating
peach)
2. Judges sickened by astonishing number of times my name appears in
Packwood diaries
1. They've seen the show
Signs Your Picnic Sucks
10. Whenever there's the slightest breeze, Peter McNeeley falls ass-first
into the potato salad
9. The blanket you're sitting on is from Heidi Fleiss' place
8. The "caraway seeds" in the cole slaw look suspiciously like deer
ticks
7. Your picnic companion is inflatable
6. That red dog from the beer commercials gets drunk and tries to mate
with your roast chicken
5. Your original campfire has now consumed 5,000 acres
4. You have to spend all day consoling a weeping Larry Fortensky
3. Instead of mayonnaise, elderly aunt has used Vicks Vap-O-Rub on
sandwiches
2. In mix-up, your picnic chest contains Larry Hagman's liver
1. O.J. keeps "accidentally" hitting people with lawn darts
Signs Your New Job Isn't Working Out
10. You have a desk, but no chair
9. Co-workers always punching you in the stomach
8. You see CBS Chairman Larry Tisch having dinner with Conan O'Brien
7. You get stung by a bee (not really a sign your new job isn't working
out, but just as upsetting)
6. You work for NASA and your title is "Executive in charge of space
probe quality control"
5. After work, you go nuts and throw firecrackers into a crowd of people
4. Your company physical is scheduled with Dr. Kevorkian
3. People start saying maybe they should have elected our wife Hillary
president
2. In your one-page performance report, the word "sucks" appears twelve
times
1. Your office nickname: "Deadwood"
Least Convincing Alibis
10. I was out drinking beer and picking up babes with Richard Simmons
9. Busy trying to get Connie Chung pregnant
8. Home watching CBS primetime
7. Playing ping-pong with Carol Channing (roll VT)
6. Out buying hams for the audience!
5. Was attending a PBS fundraiser with Newt Gingrich
4. Spent entire weekend trying to suck myself into a Pepsi bottle
3. Hypnotized by the sound of Casey Kasem's voice (shot of Casey)
2. Alone in my room doing some of that Joycelyn Elders stuff
1. I'm Batman!
Proposed New Baseball Rules
10. Clothing optional in dugouts
9. Infield chatter must be in the form of a question
8. Knock out beer vendor with ball and you automatically win the game
7. Extra outs for every person on your team named "Mookie," "Scooter,"
or "Pee Wee"
6. Games will not start until the players' drugs have kicked in
5. No more keeping your eye on the ball
4. Goodbye Gatorade, hello Riunite
3. If the catcher snags your pop foul, he gets to make out with your
wife in the stands for awhile
2. No team roster may include more than two dismissed Simpson jurors
1. Reach a base. Do a shot
Reasons We're Going To London
10. I'm trying to move the show to the BBC
9. Kato is crashing at my house for the week
8. I figure, as a rich American with bad hair, I've got a good chance
with Fergie
7. Squeegee guys with really cool accents
6. Periodically, Ed Sullivan Theater has to be defrosted
5. CBS wants me out of town when they announce they're going out of
business
4. It's that time of year when New York starts to smell funny
3. Just an elaborate set-up that lets me screw with some Dutch people
(shot)
2. For once, I'd like to break the speed limit on the other side of
the road
1. Newark was booked solid
Reasons to Watch CBS This Fall
10. We've stopped using the deadly gamma rays
9. Programming designed to make your children dull and listless
8. The shows are funny if you drink enough hard cider
7. If you play with the vertical hold, you can make Andy Rooney jump
like a monkey
6. This year, on a special "60 Minutes" Morley Safer loses his virginity
5. We're Kuralt-a-rific!
4. We've got a really cool CBS maintenance man who can turn his feet
all the way around (And ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Scott Carter)
3. This year, Angela Lansbury starts murdering people herself
2. If you don't watch, we'll send Mike Wallace to investigate your
ass
1. It'll help Connie and Maury have a baby!
Signs You're In An Unsafe Airport
10. Hijackers are allowed to pre-board
9. Mary Jo Buttafuoco walks through metal detector without her bullet
setting it off
8. Machines sell insurance just for your time in the airport
7. White zone for unloading, red zone for reloading
6. You-know-who is there filming a Hertz commercial
5. As you board plane, gate attendant says "you poor son of a bitch"
4. Runways have passing lanes
3. You have to go through a metal detector just to enter the gift shop
2. There are more shots being fired there than at the White House
1. Electronic scanning equipment made by Westinghouse
Signs You're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team
10. You recognize batter as the kid who just sold you a hot dog
9. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip
8. They keep shouting "do over!"
7. When umpire yells, "strike three," batter looks at him as if the
dude's speakin' French
6. Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals
5. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert
4. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "dinner
time!"
3. Players constantly adjusting each other's cups
2. You overhear the coach yelling, "run Forrest, run!"
1. They play like the Mets
Good Things About Raising
The Speed Limit
10. Yankee players have better chance of making it home before drugs
kick in
9. If the speed limit hits 95, Anna Nicole Smith will try to marry
it
8. People can rush home to not watch CBS
7. Will speed O.J.'s search for the real killers
6. Divine Brown able to squeeze in 6 more customers a day
5. Increased airflow rapidly cools scalding McDonald's coffee on your
lap
4. New York cabbies will get lost even faster
3. Cops forced to spend their time chasing real criminals instead of
law abiding talk show hosts
2. Sound of wind passing through the grill is just like having free
Yoko Ono CD
1. High speed funeral processions
Good Things About a Cold Snap
10. Less upsetting when some guy flips you the mitten instead of the
finger
9. Naked guys on D-train now wearing Speedos
8. Chance to use the word "dickey" in polite company
7. "Unbearable stench" of East River upgraded to just a "sickening
smell"
6. Actually enjoyable to spill scalding hot McDonald's coffee on your
lap
5. Very refreshing and made of natural ingredients (sorry, that's a
cold Snapple)
4. Husbands of Anna Nicole Smith stay fresher longer
3. Thrill of realizing your "reflection" in ice of Hudson River is
actually a mob informant
2. If hell freezes over, CBS will be number one!
1. Clinton can't wear those tiny jogging shorts
Good Things About Global Warming
10. Domino's Pizza will not be almost room temperature when it arrives
9. No more snow for Giants fans to throw
8. Outside chance the cast of "Friends" will spontaneously combust
7. Boardrooms across America will begin to look like those naked pictures
in National
Geographic
6. Ed Sullivan Theater will heat up to a balmy 34 degrees
5. Fat guys can make their own gravy
4. Canada will be able to use a whopping 9% of its landmass
3. Real bacon will be sold on the streets of New York City (cut to
vendor)
2. Can get to see what Michael Jackson really looks like when his face
melts
1. Higher temperature = more golf courses = greater chance O.J. will
catch real killer
Signs The Other Beatles Don't Like You
10. Whenever you start talking, they say, "Let it be, Bonehead"
9. You're making less money from the reunion than Pete Best
8. You find out you were the inspiration for "Nowhere Man"
7. If you didn't see it in T.V. Guide, you wouldn't have known about
a reunion
6. The only way you can get their attention is by eating Christmas
ornaments (Cut to shot of Anton eating ornaments)
5. After you spent the week working on a painting for the cover, they
decide to go with "The
White Album"
4. They make you sit in the back of Air Force One
3. When they hear you play, they say, "Wow -- you're even worse than
Ringo!"
2. They won't stop singing "We hate you - yeah, yeah, yeah!"
1. Always trying to set you up with Yoko
Signs President Clinton is Angry
10. His pasty white thighs now have a dull red glow
9. He actually talked back to Hillary
8. The gravy in his veins rushes to his head
7. For a change, shots are being fired from the White House
6. He's using the F-word like he's Madonna
5. He can't even think about dating
4. Went to pet store, bought a newt, named it "Gingrich," barbecued
it
3. He gives people on the White House tour the finger
2. When pizza was late, he beat delivery boy to death with a Yoo Hoo
bottle
1. His '96 campaign slogan: "You can all bite me"
Good Things About Shoveling Snow" (Presented
by actual NYC snow shovelers)
10. A heart attack means you get to ride in an ambulance with all the
sirens going
9. By New York law, you can eat anything that ends up in your shovel
8. Sometimes, when nobody's looking, I "write" my name in the snow
7. The city gives you a free subway token for every mob informant you
dig up
6. Big tips from the hookers when you clear off their stretch of the
sidewalk
5. One hour shoveling equals two hours of the Buttmaster
4. It's a good opportunity to reflect on the futility and meaninglessness
of life
3. You get to wear Isotoner gloves, just like The Juice
2. It's fun to "accidentally" cover Trump's limo with snow
1. Frankly, chicks dig guys with big shovels
Reasons The Mets Will Do Better In 1996"(Presented
by the New York Mets)
10. This year, the league is going to let us hit the ball off a tee
(Second baseman Jeff Kent)
9. We're eliminating that pre-game Happy Hour (Shortstop Jose Vizcaino)
8. No more leaving during the eighth inning to beat traffic (Left fielder
Ryan Thompson)
7. '96 is a leap year, so we'll have an extra day to practice (Pitcher
Jason Isringhausen)
6. We're finally going to get around to finding out what this means
(does signs) (1st Baseman Rico Brogna)
5. We're going to give 110 percent, at least 51 percent of the time
(Right fielder Carl Everett)
4. It's a huge weight off our shoulders knowing Letterman won't be
hosting this year's Academy Awards (Catcher Todd Hundley)
3. No more Cartoon Channel in the dugout (Pitcher Bill Pulsipher)
2. We just signed a chimp with a 200-mph fastball (Pitcher Bobby Jones)
1. Two words: lucky cups (Pitchers John Franco and Dave Mlecki)
Highlights of O.J.'s Visit to New York
10. Kept mistaking New York City rats for his lawyers
9. As tribute to F. Lee Bailey, drank everything in his hotel mini-bar
8. Looked in Yellow Pages under "Real Killers," didn't find any, went
golfing
7. To raise money for legal fees, wandered subway stations trying to
get shot by Bernhard Goetz
6. Saw movie in Times Square about his trial: "O.J.'s Hung Jury"
5. Killed dozens in Midtown by hitting golf balls off the top of the
Empire State Building
4. Went to Macy's and bought a diggity-dank new pair of gloves
3. Registered at hotel under the alias "I.M. Guilty"
2. For hotel wake-up call, asked for three loud thumps on air-conditioner
1. Nostalgic slow-speed taxi ride from the airport
Ways Dole is Trying to Appear Younger
10. Officially named his campaign "Doleapalooza ‘96"
9. Peppers his speeches with words such as "groovy" and "outasight"
8. At campaign appearances, has Strom Thurmond introduce him
7. Had his entire body rustproofed
6. Stores his dentures in a glass of Red Dog beer
5. Holds a press conference every Friday to talk about last night's
episode of "Friends"
4. Told reporters his favorite musician is "Snoopy Dog Dog"
3. Still refers to himself in third person, but now calls himself "Cyber
Dole"
2. Claims he lost ‘92 nomination because he was "too busy sleeping
with Madonna"
1. Calls the Senate his "Posse"
Our Favorite California Names
10. Dick Hertz
9. Phil McCracken
8. Anita Legg
7. Harry Dong
6. George Tittmann
5. Justa Duck
4. Dick Weed
3. Teddy Bair
2. Harry Bush
1. Dick Head
Signs You're Dating A Loser
10. He keeps saying, "I can't believe it! Me...on a date!"
9. You go for a moonlit walk on the beach, and he's using a metal detector
8. The name inside the heart tattoo on his arm is his
7. He has Dr. Kevorkian on speed dial
6. The fur coat he gives you is made out of his own back hair
5. He keeps reminding you he was Danny Partridge
4. His last name is Fortensky
3. During dinner, he keeps using his toupee to wipe clam sauce off
his chin
2. He keeps bitching about not being asked back to host the Academy
Awards
1. He's so afraid of Hillary he never even stays the night
Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear When
Regaining Consciousness
1. I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in
ice.
2. Quick! Hide the will!
3. Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still
kicking.
4. Blink once for yes.
5. What? Who's in the other bed? Actually, that's also
you.
6. Why does it say DROF on his head?
7. Do you think he can hear us?
8. I didn't even know one could bend that way, let alone
both.
9. I'm sorry, but we were only able to thaw your head.
10. Hold still, we've almost pried its jaws open.
Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot
10. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo
do?"
9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up
8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet"
7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap
6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!"
5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, Let's go find that Mars
observer!"
4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform
3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh,
heh"
2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy
who drove your cab to the
airport
1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"
Signs You Have No Friends
10. No calls from salespeople pushing MCI's Friends and Family Plan
9. You go to a video store and say out loud to yourself, "Well, what
do you want to rent tonight?"
8. You send birthday cards to the members of the McLaughlin Group.
7. You are one of the five best solitaire players in the world.
6. Your initials are G.S., and you own a major league baseball team
in the Bronx.
5. At your funeral, the entire eulogy is, "Yep. He's dead."
4. Having a Super Bowl party means dressing up your dogs in sweaters
and tying them to the
furniture.
3. James Taylor sings the first few bars of "You've Got a Friend,"
notices you in the audience, and
stops.
2. You're still drinking from same keg you bought on New Year's Eve
'87.
1. All your phone calls start with "976."
Bob Barker Pickup Lines
10. "Come back to my place so I can give you a lovely parting gift".
9. "Baby, you're the next contestant in the game of love".
8. "The next item up for bid is in my pants!"
7. "How'd you like a years supply of Turtle Wax?"
6. "I've made thousands of women scream and jump up and down".
5. "Please have dinner with me. I'm a very lonely man".
4. "Maybe it'll be easier for you to guess the price of the waterbed
if we test it out first".
3. "Don't worry--I've been neutered".
2. "Have another sip of that 99-cent malt liquor, take off those 30-dollar
shoes and let's get it on!"
1. "Come on down".
"Things George Washington Would Say If He Were
Alive Today
10. "Hey, that Donahue guy stole my wig!"
9. "You need some I.D.? How 'bout this dollar?"
8. "I'm on the single and that fat kite-flying weasel Ben Franklin
is on the hundred?"
7. "Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett?"
6. "No, I'm not Barbara Bush."
5. "I'm the first president of the U.S.; what do you mean I can't get
Streisand tickets?"
4. "Did you see `Seinfeld' last night? That Kramer is a riot!"
3. "Ben Franklin? Gay."
2. "Would you please get your hands off Martha, Mr. Barker?"
1. "My god -- Sam Dondaldson is annoying!"
Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If the Next
President Were a Dog
10. Doggy door on oval office
9. At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President," reporters would
shout, "Here fella!"
8. Goodbye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal
7. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant
6. U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy
5. Public enemy #1: That neutering bastard Bob Barker
4. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon
3. Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife
2. Here's your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking x-mas
jingle)
1. One word: sausage-gate
Things Shakespeare Would Say If He Were Alive
Today
10. "Now that I've had 400 years to think about it, tights are kind
of fruity."
9. "What's Gore talking about? I invented the internet."
8. "I got ideas for three new plays just by watching Jerry Springer."
7. "Even I think 'Saving Private Ryan' is a much better movie
than 'Shakespeare In Love.'"
6. "I'm gonna go hang out at Barnes & Noble and pick up
chicks in the theater section."
5."'Cats'? Good Lord, is that still playing?"
4."What's something good that rhymes with 'Hooters'?"
3."I just got a 'Welcome Back Kotter' lunch box on e-bay."
2."The guys in high school English were right -- I'm gay."
1."Dave, wherefore is thy number one never funny?"